The Agony of waiting…

I had my scan on Friday. It was totally horrific for me, just being back in the hospital made me feel so panicky and depressed. I asked to have the cannula put in on the ward, as last time the CT nurses couldn’t find a vein and I ended up black and blue! Trouble is, this meant having to go to the chemo ward. I can honestly say that I don’t know how I managed to go there for treatment every three weeks. As soon as I entered the ward all the memories of how I used to feel came flooding back. I was hoping someone would recognise me and ask me when I would be returning for more chemo, just so I could tell them about what I was doing and how bad chemo is. Unfortunately nobody did recognise me so I didn’t get the chance!  As it was, it took them three attempts to get the needle into a vein, and then it was up to Medical Imaging for my CT. Once there, I had to change into a gown and sit with lots of other depressed looking people also sitting in gowns. Words can’t describe how I feel when I am sitting there…scared, vulnerable, no, they just don’t sum it up. Anyway, after a twenty minute wait I got called in, and, to be fair, the nurse was really lovely. It did, however, take some persuading to get her to remove my cannula after the scan as she said, ‘Don’t you need to go back to the chemo ward now?’. At last! I got my chance to tell someone at the hospital that I had given up conventional treatment and was following my own path.

Now, of course, is the excruciating wait for results. Again, words can’t accurately describe the feelings that I am experiencing right now and for the next week or so. ‘Terrified’ doesn’t even begin to sum it up! I hate feeling like this, as most of the time I am feeling positive, living in the moment and truly believing I am getting better. The very moment a scan comes into play all that goes out of the window and I begin to question myself and think negatively. It’s one thing hoping for the best, but, at the same time I believe you should also prepare for the worst, just in case.

So, I am doing my best to keep occupied, not over think things and get on with day-to-day life. As the end of the week approaches though, I know that I will be in a real state waiting for the phone to ring…willing it to, and at the same time dreading it. I think I have made the right decision to hear the results over the phone, but it does mean that every time the phone rings my stomach lurches and I start sweating!

At the end of the day, getting worked up about it isn’t going to change a thing, but sometimes that is easier said than done…especially when I look at my beautiful family…

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