Yes, that’s how I am feeling today after my brief trip to the hospital yesterday! I was doing just fine until I stepped over the threshold of that awful place! It was only an appointment for a ‘chat’ about how I was doing, but it has left me feeling bloody suicidal (and that is not something I mention lightly!) My oncologist was ‘nice’ enough, but it was they way she said things and the way she looked at me and basically her whole tone. I said I would like to have my port removed as I have no intention of ever having any more chemo, even if things progress. Her reaction? ‘We will have that conversation WHEN and if that time comes’.
The first thing she asked me was if I had had any issues with pain, and when I said no she looked almost disappointed! Andy reckons this is because she can’t get her head around me still feeling well when I am not having chemo. He may be right. She asked me about scans and I decided I would get Christmas and my birthday out of the way before I have to contend with that little treat. ‘Do you want me to tell you the results over the phone, good or BAD?’ she replied. As you can tell, I am just hearing the NEGATIVE words she is saying, but that is what happens when you are in my situation.
The whole bloody experience has sent me plummeting, feeling negative, depressed, worrying and every other negative emotion you can think of. I am questioning stuff I never usually question and can’t make any decisions about anything, however small.
Andy said to me last night whilst having to listen to all my shit, ‘I don;t think you should go back to the hospital again’, and do you know what? I think he’s right! The only problem with that is that if I don’t know what’s happening I won’t know when I need to ‘step things up a gear’. The only option I can think of is to go private (which is totally against all my principles), except apparently I would still have to go to THAT place to have it done. I’ve also considered medical Thermal Imaging, but that won’t be comparable with my CT scans. When I mentioned it to my oncologist she said ‘they haven’t been tested as being reliable’. Oh, surprise surprise, something the hospital isn’t doing obviously isn’t reliable…never heard that little nugget before!
I’ll go back to bed now, have a cry, scream into my pillow and then hopefully wake up tomorrow with it all feeling like a distant memory..Well I can hope can’t I?